It's all about me...

I was really intrigued when I saw psychologist Jean Twenge interviewed on one of the morning programs this past week. I felt like she had been in my kitchen when I was talking to one of my friends. I mean, what she said has been what I have been saying for years, but she has the research and the Dr. before her name to back it up. She said that Narcissism is on the upswing. I don't think I have ever used the word narcissism--it is not really in my speaking vocabulary--but the idea rings true to my way of thinking.

In the book she co-authored with W. Keith Campbell, The Narcissism Epidemic: Living in the Age of Entitlement, they show that young people [and not so young people] today have a very positive and self inflated sense of self. She contends this is illustrated by the preoccupation with MySpace, Facebook and YouTube. In other words,

"It's all about me."

Narcissism is defined as [from various sources]:

1. Excessive love or admiration of oneself. See synonyms at conceit.
2. A psychological condition characterized by self-preoccupation, lack of empathy, and unconscious deficits in self-esteem.
3. Concerned ONLY with oneself
4. A personality disorder in which a person is so self-absorbed that the needs and feelings of others do not matter.

This isn't like a positive self image, which is healthy, it is excessive self-preoccupation and I think what really characterizes it is that the person is not really that interested in other people or what they think or do--they are preoccupied with themselves.

So, what's a parent to do? Some of the things Twenge mentioned are things I have said again and again. When a child loses a game, instead of saying "You always be a winner to me," we should say, "Let's work on that swing and maybe we will get them next time."

Instead of every kid on the losing ball team or swim team, etc. getting a trophy at the end of the season, just have a pep talk about improving, doing our best, etc. Talk about the fun you had, the improvements the team has made, give everyone a pat on the back and go home.

The "fake" trophy makes a child think he [or the team] is great when really he [or the team] needs to do better. The trophys and fake "always a winner" talk really set a kid up for failure.

I mean, they are not always going to be winners. They may as well learn it early--you are not going to win all the time, you are not going to be the best all the time, you are not the prettiest, smartest...and so forth. We can compliment kids on a job well done, but constant affirmation does not do anyone any good and it cheapens real affirmation.

I think Dr. Seuss says it best in The Places You'll Go.

You won't lag behind, because you'll have the speed.
You'll pass the whole gang and you'll soon take the lead.
Wherever you fly, you'll be best of the best.
Wherever you go, you will top all the rest.

Except when you don't.
Because sometimes, you won't
I'm sorry to say so
but, sadly it's, true
that Bang-ups
and Hang-ups
can happen to you...

And I think this is the message we need our kids to hear. That bang-ups and hang-ups happen.

That the destination is not as important as the journey. We need to stop letting our kids be the little masters of the house, stop letting them have so much control and teach them to be in service to their families and their communities. Chores are a good place to start--as well as showing kindness to others, especially younger family members.

If we can get our kids to think of others and to see that they are an important part of their family and community--instead of seeing themselves as someone who everyone's lives revolve around, the person that the parents put at the center of their universe, we will go a long way to having non-narcissistic kids-kids who have a positive self image, but are not selfish and uncaring of others.

Take care,
Jill

Chores and Self Esteem...

I have a theory that kids who have chores have better self esteem. I can't prove it, but I think I can make a case for it.

Everyone needs to be needed and feel they have value. I mean, think about it. Think of the little child that has learned how to feed the dog or fold a towel. They are so proud, they want to tell everyone what they have done. Now, think about the retiree who dies 6 months after he retires. This happens a lot and I have read over and over again how this happens to people whose whole identity is tied to their work. No work-no reason to live.

Work is good.

Inherent in everyone is the desire to be needed, to count, to matter. And work is a big part of this. Now I don't mean you have to get a job. Honestly, there are enough jobs around the house to provide a goodly amount of work. And with work, comes a feeling of being needed and self esteem.

Consider two children-about 4-6 years old. The first child has most things done for him. Oh, he might dress himself and make his own bed, but beyond that, he is entertained and doted on by his parents. They wash his clothes, make his food, wash his dishes, take him where he wants to go--he is the little "master" of the house and the parents work hard to provide him a happy, care-free childhood.

It sounds nice, but this child is more of a pet than a member of the family. He is not really needed and he knows this, maybe not consciously, but he knows it. What is his value? Oh, his parents say he is smart, nice, cute and so forth, but what is his value? His parents will tell you he is priceless, but as years pass, if things do not change, he will feel less and less worthy.

Now, consider a child who has regular chores. He has to feed the dog or take out the trash or wipe down the bathroom on [Kids helping with a family building project] a regular basis. He knows he is important--I mean, what would the family do if he wasn't around? The trash would overflow, the dog would starve, the bathroom would be unusable. He KNOWS he is needed. And, his self esteem flows from that knowledge.

What a great gift to give our children. The knowledge that they are important, they are a necessary member of our family and they are learning skills that will serve them well in the years to come.

And this extends beyond parenting. Consider the youth program at a church. The kids are generally "kept" in a youth room, [Photo above: gardening with Grandpa] have adults conjure up lessons and activities calculated to teach kids about the Christian Life, and then a couple of times a year they do a youth service, or a service project or maybe do some type of _____-a-thon [fill in the blank with walk, run, rock, fast--you get the idea].

And what does this teach? That it takes a staff to entertain youth, that they will be part of the church some day, but right now they need to be kept out of the way, in a fun room with lots of supervision. It drives me nuts.

In some places, mostly smaller churches, things look a lot different and I believe the youth have a greater sense of responsibility. Usually, in these churches, the youth are already part of the church. They are working in the nursery [if there is one], singing in the choir [or playing the piano], helping with ground maintenance, teaching Sunday School, bringing snacks for fellowship time..., in short-doing what the adults do. They are important. They are part of the church now, they are involved in the church service regularly not just on youth Sunday. This gives kids a sense of ownership, commitment and a positive self image. They know they are needed. The church benefits and so do the kids-it is a win-win situation.

My husband pastored three churches like this many years ago, and they were awesome churches. Adults, youth, kids--all were brothers and sisters in Christ, working together and worshiping together. Those churches and the people [of all ages]healthy too.

It all goes back to the same issue. Everyone needs to be needed and feel they have value.

Take care,
Jill