Inverse Parenting

This is something I have posted before, but because I have had several people tell me it was helpful to them, I thought I would post it again here. 

Something has been bothering me for a long time and it is what I call "Inverse Parenting." You see it all the time, but I don't know that it really has a name. I thought about this when my kids were little but felt like I needed to try it for a long time to see if my theory was correct. I am not sure this is scientific at all, but my kids are 21-33 [four sons, one daughter] and it has proved true with us.

Good parenting should look like this...Hold your babies close and as they become aware of more, make sure to impose limits and teach right from wrong. Make sure they will mind you...you know when you say they need to do something they do it, they don't say "no" and get away with it. You will have to be diligent as "folly is bound up in the heart of a child." But you must be in control, and they must learn to be under your authority. They will likely be under some authority all their lives, so they may as well learn when they are young. I don't mean for you to be rigid and mean, but to be consistent and firm when it comes to discipline. Your motivation should always be for the greater good of the child, and to lead out of love, but many times this requires you to tirelessly work with them to stay within the rules, treat others with respect and so on.

As the children grow you can begin to let go; so by the time they are in their early teens they have more privileges, they can make more decisions and have more freedom. This should increase with age until the child is an adult. At that time, they become accountable to God. This is important--with age comes more responsibilities and more freedom.

But, what I see is INVERSE PARENTING. This looks like the whole world revolving around the child. The parent asks the child's opinion on many things, lets the child say things that a child ought not say, like "I hate you," or "You can't make me," or "I won't eat this," and so forth. Many children do this, but they should not get away with it. But, in inverse parenting the parent looks the other way, or tries to talk the child through it, or thinks it is cute.

As time passes, the child usually becomes more demanding, less respectful of all authority and the parent finds that when the child becomes a young teen they are harder and harder to manage. At this time the parent tries to pull in the reigns, be more strict, set firmer limitations at the very time when they should be letting go. I have seen this over and over again with so many families that I know. And rarely does it work.

These children usually go through a very rebellious teen time, and many times do come out OK in the end, but they sure upset the family in the process. It is so much more enjoyable for the whole family and society in general when the child is obedient in young years. Good parenting is much more likely to produce likable teens and responsible adults than inverse parenting.

I know it is not easy to be consistent with young children. I know it can drain you to correct them and train them-but the rewards are great and I think you owe it to your children.

Take care,
Jill

Tools or Toys...

~Dad in his workshop making himself a new workbench~

My dad had a lot of great advice. I mentioned before his idea about "Grant Writing," in relation to kids and allowances, but another thing I learned from him was the art of giving gifts to kids. I remember it clearly--at that time I had 3 little boys and we were standing in my dad's workshop. He was making something and I was holding some tools for him and I commented that he and Mom always gave such great gifts to the kids. At that time I was in a ladies Bible Study and that same week some of the moms were discussing how their kids got so much "toy junk" as gifts and they were lamenting it and wondering how they could curb the toys, limit the junk.

Dad said, "You have to give kids tools, not toys."

That was the advice. He didn't really elaborate--which if you knew my dad, you would be smiling because he generally elaborated on everything. Tools not Toys--actually, he didn't have time to elaborate because someone [3 boys 6 and under--it happened a lot] started crying in the house with Mom and I left Dad in his workshop to see what the trouble was. Then I was off to other things and the conversation never really got finished. But, when I was driving home that afternoon those words came back, "Tools not Toys."

It goes back to the thought that we are raising kids to be well adjusted, functioning adults that will one day hold jobs, have families and be responsible citizens. We just have our kids for a little while and during that time we are to prepare them to take their place in society. So they need to learn a lot along the way. They need to be molded and shaped and directed along the way--they need the tools, we need the tools, to get them there.

My Dad, way back when, was a history and shop teacher. And one thing he instilled in us from a young age is, "You have to have the right tool for the job." He would sometimes shake his head when he looked at my husband's tools in our early married life. Many times he would give us the correct tool for the job, or let us use his. I mean, you can not fix plumbing without a pipe wrench, or work with electricity without a volt tester.

The same is true with kids. What kids need are tools not toys. If folks could just get a handle on that, much of the junk found in the typical kid's section of most stores could be reduced by half or maybe even 90%. But, what is a tool? [Happy days in the sandbox]

Tools, in no particular order: Balls, blocks, dolls, flashlights, sand box, wagon, bike, swings, picnic table, paper and markers/crayons, legos, scissors, games, backpack, fishing pole, compass, knife [older child], mess kit, camping supplies, books, actual tools like a screwdriver and hammer, woodburning set, knitting or crochet or any kind of handwork, magnifying glass, leather craft, jump-rope, kid sized baking or cooking set, puzzles, kitchen set [play food and so on], a cash register and play money, paddle ball, gardening items like a pail, shovel and so on...really most traditional toys. I consider Match Box type cars and most action figures tools too.

Toys, in no particular order: Anything that has batteries or makes noise that drives a mom crazy [anyone remember the Tooneyville Choo-Choo?], if it is meant for the child to watch it rather than interact with it, video games, computer games--even educational games can be toys if you are not careful, anything that is cheap plastic and will break easily, stuffed things that talk and entertain--really anything [Scotty, age three, he loved his Dr. Drew blocks] that is meant as an entertainment. I am sure if you and I went together to a big box store, we could find tons of toys that would fall in this category.

Now, I am not saying "NO TOYS EVER!" What I am saying is: Tools should be a child's main diet and toys should be like a dessert. Dessert is nice, but you only have occassionally, not at every meal.

Tools will encourage imagination, develop large and small muscles, and should get the child outside daily. Tools will stand the test of time, can usually be passed down from child to child in a family, and have a lot of play value.

So, the next time you need to give a gift to a child,remember my dad's words, "Tools not Toys." Thanks for advice Dad.

Take Care,
Jill

Chores and Self Esteem...

I have a theory that kids who have chores have better self esteem. I can't prove it, but I think I can make a case for it.

Everyone needs to be needed and feel they have value. I mean, think about it. Think of the little child that has learned how to feed the dog or fold a towel. They are so proud, they want to tell everyone what they have done. Now, think about the retiree who dies 6 months after he retires. This happens a lot and I have read over and over again how this happens to people whose whole identity is tied to their work. No work-no reason to live.

Work is good.

Inherent in everyone is the desire to be needed, to count, to matter. And work is a big part of this. Now I don't mean you have to get a job. Honestly, there are enough jobs around the house to provide a goodly amount of work. And with work, comes a feeling of being needed and self esteem.

Consider two children-about 4-6 years old. The first child has most things done for him. Oh, he might dress himself and make his own bed, but beyond that, he is entertained and doted on by his parents. They wash his clothes, make his food, wash his dishes, take him where he wants to go--he is the little "master" of the house and the parents work hard to provide him a happy, care-free childhood.

It sounds nice, but this child is more of a pet than a member of the family. He is not really needed and he knows this, maybe not consciously, but he knows it. What is his value? Oh, his parents say he is smart, nice, cute and so forth, but what is his value? His parents will tell you he is priceless, but as years pass, if things do not change, he will feel less and less worthy.

Now, consider a child who has regular chores. He has to feed the dog or take out the trash or wipe down the bathroom on [Kids helping with a family building project] a regular basis. He knows he is important--I mean, what would the family do if he wasn't around? The trash would overflow, the dog would starve, the bathroom would be unusable. He KNOWS he is needed. And, his self esteem flows from that knowledge.

What a great gift to give our children. The knowledge that they are important, they are a necessary member of our family and they are learning skills that will serve them well in the years to come.

And this extends beyond parenting. Consider the youth program at a church. The kids are generally "kept" in a youth room, [Photo above: gardening with Grandpa] have adults conjure up lessons and activities calculated to teach kids about the Christian Life, and then a couple of times a year they do a youth service, or a service project or maybe do some type of _____-a-thon [fill in the blank with walk, run, rock, fast--you get the idea].

And what does this teach? That it takes a staff to entertain youth, that they will be part of the church some day, but right now they need to be kept out of the way, in a fun room with lots of supervision. It drives me nuts.

In some places, mostly smaller churches, things look a lot different and I believe the youth have a greater sense of responsibility. Usually, in these churches, the youth are already part of the church. They are working in the nursery [if there is one], singing in the choir [or playing the piano], helping with ground maintenance, teaching Sunday School, bringing snacks for fellowship time..., in short-doing what the adults do. They are important. They are part of the church now, they are involved in the church service regularly not just on youth Sunday. This gives kids a sense of ownership, commitment and a positive self image. They know they are needed. The church benefits and so do the kids-it is a win-win situation.

My husband pastored three churches like this many years ago, and they were awesome churches. Adults, youth, kids--all were brothers and sisters in Christ, working together and worshiping together. Those churches and the people [of all ages]healthy too.

It all goes back to the same issue. Everyone needs to be needed and feel they have value.

Take care,
Jill

Homeschoolers are changing history...

I love history.

As a child my history teacher dad took us on all kinds of road trips. We drove up to Alaska, down to Veracruz, Mexico and from coast to coast, stopping at historical landmarks, museums and spots of interest along the way. You know those pyramids in Mexico where human sacrifices took place? I have climbed them. I have seen the wagon wheel ruts put in solid stone from so many covered wagons passing over them. The first Pony Express station--I've been there--I think you get the idea. Living and breathing history as a child, I just took for granted the many things that others only learn about in books.

What I learned though, is that while people are making history, they seldom realize it. Some people do--I mean Thomas Edison knew he was making history, so did Henry Ford and Alexander the Great. But, regular people never realize it. They go about their lives, living and working and breathing and dying, and what they do seems mundane. But later, in retrospect, we can see the impact they had on history.

I am thinking of the scribes who faithfully copied great literary works, the folks who first found out that coffee was amazing in the morning, people who charted the stars and so many more. We don't know their names in most cases, but we know what they have done. They changed history.

I believe that the moms and dads that sit around their living rooms and kitchen tables faithfully teaching their children are doing the same thing today. I know it can be lonely and trying and somedays we ask ourselves why we do it.

But, homeschooling is about more than education. I believe homeschooling families across America and across the world are raising children to be competent men and women, well read, articulate and with a heart for the world. As a minority we are changing the way America thinks about education. We are changing the way society thinks about families. We are changing educational history and impacting our communities one family at a time.


Take care,
Jill

Concurrent Parenting

I have been parenting for over 125 years and I can prove it!

Parenting is a joy, but a lot of hard work and for a very long time. I would never really want to compare it with a prison sentence--but for the sake of the analogy, here I go...

A person commits, let us say, robbery. He may get a 10 year jail sentence from the judge. But what if he committed the robbery using a gun and a innocent bystander gets in the way of his escape so he takes that bystander as a hostage.

He goes to trial and he is convicted for three offenses:

10 year for robbery
10 years for using a deadly weapon in a crime
10 years for kidnapping

Now he is thinking, I will be in jail for 30 years, I will be an old man when I get out. And then, just before the gavel drops, the judge says two words that change everything..." served concurrently." Now he only spends 10 years in jail because he gets to serve his time concurrently.

And that proves that I have parented for 125 years [kids are aged 30,28, 26, 22, 19]- I have just been serving my time [so to speak] concurrently. And I should get credit for each and every one of those 125 years because each child is so different. So many different scenarios come up with each child, that it only seems fair that some days, if we have 5 children, we should get credit for 5 days of parenting.

So, for any moms and dads who feel really worn out or feel like sometimes each day can seem many days long [like when everyone has the flu], give yourself credit for more than one day, count one day for each child you have--you are just serving those days concurrently!

Take care,
Jill

Inverse Parenting

Something has been bothering me for a long time and it is what I call "Inverse Parenting." You see it all the time, but I don't know that it really has a name. I thought about this when my kids were little but felt like I needed to try it for a long time to see if my theory was correct. I am not sure this is scientific at all, but my kids are 19-30 [four sons, one daughter] and it has proved true with us.

Good parenting should look like this...Hold your babies close and as they become aware of more, make sure to impose limits and teach right from wrong. Make sure they will mind you...you know when you say they need to do something they do it, they don't say "no" and get away with it. You will have to be diligent as "folly is bound up in the heart of a child."But you must be in control, and they must learn to be under your authority. They will likely be under some authority all their lives, so they may as well learn when they are young.

As the children grow, you can begin to let go, so by the time they are early teens, they have more privileges, can make more decisions, have more freedom. This should increase with age until the child is an adult. At that time, they become accountable to God.

But, what I see is INVERSE PARENTING. This looks like the whole world revolving around the child. The parent asks the child's opinion on many things, lets the child say things that a child ought not say, like "I hate you," or "You can't make me," or "I won't eat this," and so forth. A child may do this and not get away with it, but in inverse parenting the parent looks the other way, or tries to talk the child through it, or thinks it is cute.

As time passes, the child usually becomes more demanding, less respectful of all authority and the parent finds that when the child becomes a young teen they are harder and harder to manage. At this time the parent tries to pull in the reigns, be more strict, set firmer limitations at the very time when they should be letting go. I have seen this over and over again with so many families that I know. And rarely does it work.

These children usually go through a very rebellious teen time, and many times do come out OK in the end, but they sure upset the family in the process. It is so much more enjoyable for the whole family and society in general when the child is obedient in young years. Good parenting is much more likely to produce likable teens and responsible adults than inverse parenting.

I know it is not easy to be consistent with young children. I know it can drain you to correct them and train them-but the rewards are great and I think you owe it to your children.

Take care,
Jill